Today is my birthday, and it’s a birthday I’d felt staring at me for a while; I turned 30 today.
Naturally with such a “milestone” (one of the few that remain, unless you continue to make them for yourself – something I intend to do, of course) the question of a celebration looms. “What are you going to do for your big day?” “Thirty, huh? That’s a big one. Welcome to the club.” “Party hard! You’re obviously not getting younger!” I had my usual ideas in mind: a night out with friends before the actual day, a social battery-draining banger of an event full of hugs and laughter, and on the day itself, time to myself. I tend to close up and spend my day alone, reflecting and indulging in treats, as solitude has proven to be a lifelong balm of mine (and your birthday is the day that no one gets to question your plans). But this proved to be quite different than I expected.
Last night was said friend celebration, and it was one for the books. An endearing quirk of this city is everyone’s willingness to buy drinks and food for one another, which is obviously amplified on one’s birthday. I awoke this morning feeling every drop of whisky I’d consumed and every Motown song I’d boogied. I stayed in bed well into the afternoon, and overall, it was a good start to the day. I answered birthday texts and received a call from my brother (which I couldn’t hear because phones sometimes decide not to work) where his class sang “Happy Birthday” to me. An old friend with whom I’ve recently reconnected ordered Taco Bell and had it delivered to my house (which, as an aside, is a miracle of modern society. My new love language is friends from other states ordering food to be delivered to my house) and after I devoured it in bed, I just stayed there.
The familiar birthday anxiety crept in, and I became horrified that my day was dissolving in front of me. I mean, last year I spent all day feeling anxious and trying to enjoy myself that it culminated in me writing and recording a song in my car to get the feeling out…I didn’t exactly want to do that this year. I got out of bed, showered, all the while planning what all I could get done today, how much sunlight I had left, what more I could do to celebrate for myself, but as I got dressed, suddenly the anxiety broke like a fever. I didn’t need to cram my celebrating into today, because there wasn’t anything I wanted to do today that I hadn’t been doing since I moved to Nashville. Today, though still my birthday, wasn’t the clean cut fresh start I expected, because I’d already had it…and it all came down to this realization:
I have been celebrating my 30thbirthday since July 31stof this year.
Finally uprooting from Michigan and moving out of the state where I was born is the best birthday gift I could have ever given myself. I often half-joked for the latter portion of my twenties that I simply wouldn’t allow myself to turn 30 in Michigan or I’d never forgive me. I’d always wanted to leave, maybe for my whole life, and I did it. I’m not spending my birthday longing for what it could be like to live out there past the sprawling beautiful fields of the Midwest because I’m not there anymore. I’m in a city saturated with music, a neighbor to mountains, and a hive of talented, diverse people from all over the country coming together to experience a new place for themselves. Nashville has its problems, sure, and it’s certainly not my final home, but none of that matters. I got what I wanted, what I needed, what had seemed like a carrot on a string smacking me in the face for years. Ever since I arrived here, I’ve been celebrating my future, a fresh start, a new decade. Today just happens to be the calendar date for it.
So yeah, I’ll probably still hit a record store and indulge in a dinner out, but I’ve had my favorite gift for a few months now. I’ve begun a new decade with a massive step into my future where every single day feels new, really and truly new, and I don’t think I could be more excited for what’s to come.
I love you all. I miss you too.
Here’s to new.
